Setting Goals: A Blank Slate to Personal Success

When it comes to setting goals for students, it’s important to start by understanding how we all begin as blank slates. As children, everything is new—walking, talking, using the bathroom—and we are encouraged every step of the way. Parents cheer for every small success, knowing that failure is part of the learning process. But somewhere along the line, this changes. Mistakes in school or sports can become sources of frustration, both for parents and students.

This shift in attitude can make setting goals feel more like pressure than motivation. For both students and parents, it’s critical to remember that learning takes time, and being too hard on mistakes doesn’t help the process.

Personal Goals: Aligning with Intrinsic Motivation

For effective goal setting, it’s essential to foster intrinsic motivation. This means that students should aim to achieve personal goals that align with their own desires, rather than those imposed by external forces like teachers or parents. For example, if a student only wants to do well in math because their parents will punish them if they don’t, that’s extrinsic motivation. In contrast, if the student sets a personal goal to improve because they genuinely care about math, it shifts the focus toward self-improvement, fostering growth.

As a parent, it’s easy to fall into the trap of setting goals for your child based on expectations that come from your own experiences. However, it’s much more impactful to let your child take ownership of their goals, so they feel empowered, not pressured.

SMART: The Framework for Success

When talking to students about SMART goal setting, I often focus on how these goals are personal. It’s crucial that they are specific, so students know exactly what they’re working toward; measurable, so they can track progress; achievable, ensuring it’s within reach; relevant to their values or needs; and time-bound to keep them motivated.

Here’s why each of these matters:

• Specific: A vague goal doesn’t give a clear path to success.
• Measurable: Students need to be able to see the progress they’re making.
• Achievable: Goals should be challenging but not impossible.
• Relevant: If it doesn’t matter to the student, they won’t care.
• Time-bound: Deadlines create urgency and structure.

Breaking the Fear of Failure: Recognize, Reflect, Repeat

One of the biggest hurdles in goal setting is the fear of failure. Over time, societal and parental expectations can turn natural mistakes into sources of anxiety. Students often internalize these feelings, thinking they will never succeed. This is where we must step in to help them shift their mindset.

We begin life as a blank slate, encouraged by our parents to keep trying no matter how many times we fall. But as we grow, failure becomes something to avoid. Parents get frustrated, and students, sensing this, fear disappointing them. This creates a cycle where the child believes failure defines them. Instead, we need to emphasize that setting personal goals means embracing failure as part of the process.

Here’s how we break that cycle: the 3 R’s—Recognize, Reflect, Repeat. First, recognize that failure happened. Then, reflect on what can be improved. Talk to teachers, mentors, or parents to gain insight on what to focus on next time. Finally, repeat the goal-setting process with adjustments. With each cycle, students get better at reaching their personal goals.

A Personal Story: Skye’s Journey to Achieving Personal Goals

Let me share a story about Skye, a student I worked with who was diagnosed with ADHD and severe anxiety. Coming from a strict Asian household, Skye’s personal goals were often overshadowed by her parents’ expectations. She was punished for not meeting academic benchmarks, leading to trauma and even greater anxiety around schoolwork.

Despite these challenges, Skye was a resilient and cheerful student. Through coaching, we focused on changing the family dynamic, advocating for SMART goal setting, and helping Skye align her goals with her intrinsic motivation. She began setting personal goals that made sense for her, and with time, her mother also started to allow Skye to take control of her academic journey.

Skye’s transformation came not just from her hard work but from her family’s realization that setting personal goals gave her autonomy. As a result, she was able to meet her goals and reduce the tension at home.

Transform Your Approach to Goal Setting

Ultimately, setting goals is about more than just achieving success in school. It’s about encouraging students to embrace the learning process, failures included. We all start out as blank slates, with parents cheering for every small success. If we can carry that same encouragement through a child’s academic career, they will grow into confident individuals, capable of meeting challenges and achieving their own personal goals.

So let’s approach goal setting in a way that helps students thrive, not feel pressured. Let them take ownership of their goals, and they will surprise you with what they can accomplish.

Are your expectations hindering your child’s success? Find out how a positive growth mindset can lead to greater achievement and a happier home. Schedule a consultation with an executive functions coach to learn more.